What Was I Thinking, Kool Aid???

Last week one of the interns in the office (Kristin) informed me that Rosie O'Donnell and Cyndi Lauper were touring...together as one. Can you say "MUST-SEE?!?" But I didn't have the funds so I figured I'd just have to suffer the rest of my days knowing what I missed out on.

On Monday I get an email from my best friend Jen who works at Serino Coyne, "Yo, I got two tickets for the Rosie and Cyndi show in NJ."  Hence the reason we are best friends.

The show is in New Jersey, of course, so we hop on the NJ Transit. Here is where the fun begins. We sit across from the "lavatory" behind this mom and her kid. We can't see the kid but she keeps saying funny cute things and Jen goes "I want to see what that kid looks like, she's cute." Two minutes later the girls bursts into a screaming/howling/tantrum/fit thing. People were exiting the car it was so bad. She would not stop. It was horrible.  Not cute anymore!

Meanwhile a woman goes into the bathroom and comes out looking disheveled. Her hair is a mess and she turns to us and goes "I thought I was going to die in there."  No other explanation provided.

So we get to the theatre. Rosie opens and she's chewing gum and referencing her cue cards. But it's all good, I've always been a Rosie fan, I was a child of the 90's: The Rosie O'Donnell Show, Kid's Choice Awards, Harriett the Spy, I ate that shit up.

So Rosie is almost done with her stand up...or so we were lead to believe...and she says she's going to come back after intermission and sing back up and play the drums.

I totally thought she was kidding.  I'm pretty sure we all did.

So intermission happened which was a terrible idea because this gave the women around us plenty of time to get "drunk drunk drunk."

So Cyndi comes on and Rosie appears in the background as a backup singer. This would have been ok if she had not STILL been chewing gum. Chewing gum while singing. Meanwhile Cyndi is touching and caressing the stage curtains.

After the first song Cyndi and Rosie decide it is the perfect time to have a “comical” conversation. This was a conversation that only Cyndi and Rosie could follow. Crazy talk that not a sane soul could decipher.  This happened 5 or 6 times throughout the concert. Songs followed by awkward conversation between Cyndi and Rosie. Conversations about...no one knows.

So Cyndi, I freakin’ love her but the woman is a mess. She kicks off her shoes halfway through the show. She forgot some of the lyrics to Time After Time. Then she stopped mid-way during one of her songs and goes “start over at the second stanza, I had a brain fart.” Cyndi. Lauper.

After one of the songs a drunk woman yells to the stage “The guard won’t let me dance, help me Cyndi.” So Cyndi goes over to assess the situation (IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CONCERT). She’s talking to the security guard, trying to figure it all out. Turns out it’s just a drunk lady who was illegally using her video camera and that’s why she was being yelled at. Not for dancing, for videotaping.

Now while this is all going on I have Crazy #1 in front of me. She is cheating on her husband. Jen caught her texting “My husband is gone, I will be out late”. This text took her an 5 entire minutes to type up. Then she turns to the security guard and starts to touch and hug and caress him. She is falling in her chair, falling into the wall, falling into the woman in front of her. At one point during one of Cyndi’s slow songs she yells out “Get it going, Cyndi!” really loud. The theatre is really small so Cyndi could hear her.

But Crazy #2 is my favorite. She is dancing as if she is performing an African Tribal Ritual Chant to the Rain God in hopes to end the drought. She is the dancing the weirdest dance I have ever seen in my entire 21 years if life. She is even worse than the group of ten 14-year-olds behind us who are swaying along as though they were attempting to do some sort of Michael Jackson Thriller tribute dance.

So then Cyndi and Rosie leave the stage and come back out a few minutes later. We get up and move to the front row and hang out by the stage. We were really close. Rosie is in fact playing the drums. But everything else is so crazy and weird that at this point I expect her to play the drums.

So Jen makes the mistake of standing in front of this very overweight woman to whom she refers to for the rest of the night as “The Blob”. Rosie jokingly starts to quote scripture (something involving bread). The Blob gets all excited and starts to recite along with Rosie. The Blob is all into it, she’s going Gospel. Rosie was kidding! This isn’t church! It’s a 95% lesbians, 5% other-event! Not Church Blob!! So now The Blob turns to Jen who is standing in front of her and goes “If I were you I would move.” Jen decides since The Blob isn’t her that she will stay where she is. The woman turns to her and goes “did you not just here what I said?” Jen said “yeah you said if I were you I’d move and you’re not me so I’m gonna stay.” The Blob turns back to her and says “MOVE.” After argument Jen does eventually move, all the while plotting her revenge. She has come up with comeback after comeback but instead decides that she will just punch The Blob in the face on the way out for being too rude.

All I can say about this night is that if I had missed out, my life would in no way be at the caliber it is now. This was the weirdest thing I have ever experienced. There really are no words to describe it no matter how hard I try.

PS. Rosie smiled at me.

PPS. At the end of the night Cyndi introduced Rosie O’Donnell as “Rosie O’Donneld.” They have been touring together for 3 years. That woman is an awesome/fun/train-wreck/mess.  Maybe I like her because I relate.